Whoa'ing Zoro
by Chibimono Akuno
Summary: It would be just like Luffy to get something like this completely wrong. And it would be just Zoro's luck to have to suffer. [LuZo shounen ai, foul language]


**Title:** Whoa'ing Zoro  
**Author:** Chibimono Akuno  
**Fandom:** One Piece  
**Pairing:** LuZo  
**Rating:** PG13  
**Word Count:** 1,339 words  
**Warnings:** Foul words. Miscommunication galore.  
**Disclaimers:** Not mine. Just pretending. Oda pwnz it... and me.  
**A/N:** For the LiveJournal theme community, 101-kisses. Theme #64: _Mistranslation_.

**Whoa'ing Zoro**  
_by Chibimono Akuno_

Zoro was not exactly sure what was wrong with his captain lately, but curiosity was definitely getting the better of him.

For one thing, Luffy was taking more baths. And by more, that means every three days instead of once a week. He was also doing his best to keep his clothes clean, flailing and scrubbing roughly at any speck of dirt he found on him. Once, the rubber boy even attempted to tame his mess of dark hair, but since there was no mousse or gel, he used bacon grease... and that was a disaster in and of itself.

Odder yet was Luffy's sudden penchant for bringing Zoro odd... things.

Like a branch that had fallen off an old, twisted tree. "Look, Zoro! I found this pretty stick for you!"

Or that boulder Luffy found under a dock at a little port where they had stopped for supplies. "Here, Zoro! Look how it sparkles!"

And then there was that bear Luffy found in the forest... "This is for you, Zoro! You can snuggle with it!"

It was frustrating, to say the least, but Zoro had no idea what these strange... _gifts_... were for. So when Luffy approached the swordsman with a more-than-half eaten box of sweets and a huge chocolaty smile, Zoro wanted to know what the hell was wrong with his captain.

"I'm whoaing you," Luffy nodded, as if that explained everything.

"Whoaing... me?" If Zoro was confused before, he was worse off now.

Luffy nodded again. Yeah, is it working?"

"Yeah, it's working," Zoro said slowly, folding his arms over his chest. "Because _whoa_, what the hell! What the fuck do you mean by '_whoa_'?"

"You know, _whoa_!" Luffy said, vaguely shuffling the near-empty box of chocolates in Zoro's direction. "I _whoa_ you, then we make some calendars days together, and then we get hitched!"

Zoro stared blankly at his captain. "I'm going to go take a nap. Wake me when you know what the hell you are talking about."

As Zoro clomped away, he heard Luffy call after him.

"If you don't like calendars, we could make those day-by-day things!"

A few drinks were also in order after that nap, it seemed.

**-----**

Zoro decided that a few drinks was not going to help after the rubber boy approached him again later that evening. He still had the box of chocolates, _sans_ chocolate by this point, but now he also carried around an agenda that he had seemingly been nicked out of Nami's bunk.

"Nami's going to kill you when she finds you with that," was all Zoro said as Luffy sat beside him in the galley.

"Naw, she gave it to me," Luffy smiled, holding it out to show that he had scrawled a bunch of squiggles and scribbles over the cover and through many of the pages. "She wished us luck, too... I dunno why she was laughing about it, though. But she said the look on your face should be priceless."

Zoro allowed himself a moment to mentally growl at the stupid witch before getting up from his seat.

"Wait!" Luffy cried. "Aren't we going to make days?"

"Not tonight," Zoro said as he stomped out of the galley, hoping to find out what was so damn funny.

**-----**

Zoro was beyond pissed when he could not manage to get a word edgewise out of the cackling navigator. It did not help matters at all that the shitty _ero_-cook had joined in laughing, too. Apparently they were all in on Luffy's idea and thought it was the funniest joke in the world.

Well, Zoro was not laughing. He wanted some answers, and he wanted them now. But with Nami hyperventilating and Sanji practically rolling on the floor, he knew he was not going to get any at all from them.

His next target: the liar.

**-----**

Why the crew needed a liar, Zoro did not really know, but it apparently served a purpose for everyone's sick joke on him. When Usopp started weaving an off-the-wall tale about him being the one that began the tradition of picking days to be with your loved ones and giving chocolates and flowers, Zoro decided he needed to get off this ship. They were all loony.

Marching himself to the main deck, Zoro growled his vow of revenge. But he stopped short of the vile death he would find for his captain... when he found said captain sitting upon the prow of the ship.

It was nothing unusual to find Luffy there, sitting merrily upon _Merry_'s figurehead, but he never seemed so... deflated. Shoulders drooping and head hanging, the rubber boy never looked more unlike himself. Perhaps he did not find the joke so funny anymore?

"Alright, Luffy," Zoro said as he made his way to the very front of the ship. "Just what the hell is going on here?"

Luffy turned his wide eyes upon his first mate. "Nothing's going on. I'm just sittin-"

"No, the joke," Zoro corrected, making sure the rubber boy's equally rubber brain was on the same subject.

The blank stare, followed by a few blinks was the only movement Luffy made before he finally spoke. "What joke?"

"The calenders and the candy," came the grumpy reply from the swordsman.

"That wasn't a joke," Luffy said plainly, with a little shake of his head.

"The hell it was," Zoro growled. "What the fuck is everyone laughing for, then?" Well, Usopp was not laughing, but he was still in on this... _thing_.

"I don't know why they are laughing about it, but I guess they think it's funny. You know how some people laugh at you sometimes, and you're not trying to be silly? I get that a lot." Shrugging, Luffy hopped off the ram's head and stood in front of his first mate. "But I haven't been joking, Zoro."

Not a joke? Then what the hell was going on? The frustration would not leave Zoro. "Then what do you mean about... that stuff?"

"With the calendar?" Luffy smiled now. "We need to make days to be together."

"But we're together every damn day on this ship," Zoro groused.

"Yeah, but we need special days, Zoro!"

Zoro wanted to shake his captain. "For what?"

"For us!" Luffy crowed, as it if those two words were the most wonderful thing and made all the sense in the world,

"Us! What about _us_?" Zoro shouted in aggravation, tugging at his short, green hair.

Luffy made a tiny pouty face and put his hands on his hips, "What do you mean, 'what about us'? I've whoaed you and now we have to make days together. After we've put together enough days, we can get hitched!" Luffy smiled again. "Doesn't that sound like fun?"

_Hitched_. That's the second time Luffy used it. But it made no sense to Zoro with the rest of the context tumbling from Luffy's mouth. "Do you even know what the hell 'hitched' means?" The swordsman demanded from his captain.

"Yeah," Luffy said, as if Zoro was suddenly rather stupid. "It means 'to get married'. Didn't you know that?"

The sound of Nami's and Sanji's laughter was suddenly echoing in Zoro's head. He wanted to join in with them, he did... but it was not that damn funny. They must have know, though. Luffy must have said something to them first before he began his... _whoa_ing.

And it just had to be _whoa_ing, Zoro decided. Because no one in the whole damn world could possibly _woo_ like Luffy could.

"Why me?" Zoro asked the world rhetorically, his hands coming up to cover his face.

Thin arms wrapped around his waist and Luffy put a small kiss to the back of Zoro's left hand. "Because you're my first mate," came the reply that was not meant to said.

Damnit, rhetorical questions were to remain unanswered. But Luffy was going on about a wedding cake made with meat, and Zoro just knew there was no way out of this.

_- owari -_


End file.
